I feel summer creepin' in...

And I'm tired of this town again. Good ole' Tom Petty. I can't get that song out of my head this week.

Do you ever just feel...stuck?

Words can't express how much I love my little girl. If I didn't have her I just don't know where I would be. All of the disappointments in the world are no match for her smile and her sweet nature. I can't help but get down sometimes, despite that great blessing.

My heart is so heavy. It usually is when I come to this place, to write it out and let other people see. Something is cathartic about it, though I know it seems like something else to outsiders. I guess everyone processes things differently. I have my way, and I won't fault you for yours.

I think what confuses me the most about this life is how little I really know about relationships. I thought that if you do everything right, if everything is wonderful, then that keeps two people together and keeps them trying for each other. I guess I'm a lot less selfish than I thought, or than I knew other people could be. I've never been in a truly happy relationship that ended, and I don't quite know how to think about it.

May is Lupus awareness month. I really hate Lupus. It has broken my spirit, only for me to build it back up and have it broken again. It makes everything harder. People don't understand it, its an invisible illness, and people have trouble believing in something they cannot see.

I really like multiple paragraphs.

The one thing that I am thankful for that I have learned from having Lupus is that each day is truly a gift. Absolutely nothing is certain, promised, guaranteed. This year, I told myself I would do the things I want to do, no matter how small or silly, because I may not get another chance to do them. I made tamales, I rented a car, a got spray tanned, I wore bright pink lipstick, I met my favorite musician and talked to him face to face.  I have done so many amazing things this year that, though they may seem like nothing to you, mean so much to me. I've put aside self doubt and fear and thrown my heart into everything I've done.

Its my heart that always gets me in trouble. I love deeply. I give too much of myself. I put too much faith in people. I do know better, but somehow I get so excited about things and just throw myself in with everything I've got. I have yet to find someone who truly appreciates that about me. Every time I find out that someone doesn't appreciate that about me, it hurts. It really does. It makes me question everything. It makes me wonder if I'm even worthy of being happy, because surely if I were I wouldn't have to go through all this pain.

At the same time I know I'm a good person and I have a lot of wonderful things to offer. I have a fiercely loyal personality and I'm passionate about everything I love. I know that life isn't fair, but I'm pretty tired of it kicking me around.

I guess what I want isn't really a happy ending, or a happily ever after...its more of a content ever after. I understand that nothing is easy and everything worth anything involves a struggle. If nothing else, I am a fighter, and fully willing to fight for what I want, even if that means being unhappy some of the time. I can sacrifice my happiness for that of others or for the sake of happiness to come, but I can't sacrifice being content. I need to be okay. I can't crawl in my own skin, like I am now.

So, for the two people who actually read this blog, if you're still out there...

How do I shake this?