I feel summer creepin' in...

And I'm tired of this town again. Good ole' Tom Petty. I can't get that song out of my head this week.

Do you ever just feel...stuck?

Words can't express how much I love my little girl. If I didn't have her I just don't know where I would be. All of the disappointments in the world are no match for her smile and her sweet nature. I can't help but get down sometimes, despite that great blessing.

My heart is so heavy. It usually is when I come to this place, to write it out and let other people see. Something is cathartic about it, though I know it seems like something else to outsiders. I guess everyone processes things differently. I have my way, and I won't fault you for yours.

I think what confuses me the most about this life is how little I really know about relationships. I thought that if you do everything right, if everything is wonderful, then that keeps two people together and keeps them trying for each other. I guess I'm a lot less selfish than I thought, or than I knew other people could be. I've never been in a truly happy relationship that ended, and I don't quite know how to think about it.

May is Lupus awareness month. I really hate Lupus. It has broken my spirit, only for me to build it back up and have it broken again. It makes everything harder. People don't understand it, its an invisible illness, and people have trouble believing in something they cannot see.

I really like multiple paragraphs.

The one thing that I am thankful for that I have learned from having Lupus is that each day is truly a gift. Absolutely nothing is certain, promised, guaranteed. This year, I told myself I would do the things I want to do, no matter how small or silly, because I may not get another chance to do them. I made tamales, I rented a car, a got spray tanned, I wore bright pink lipstick, I met my favorite musician and talked to him face to face.  I have done so many amazing things this year that, though they may seem like nothing to you, mean so much to me. I've put aside self doubt and fear and thrown my heart into everything I've done.

Its my heart that always gets me in trouble. I love deeply. I give too much of myself. I put too much faith in people. I do know better, but somehow I get so excited about things and just throw myself in with everything I've got. I have yet to find someone who truly appreciates that about me. Every time I find out that someone doesn't appreciate that about me, it hurts. It really does. It makes me question everything. It makes me wonder if I'm even worthy of being happy, because surely if I were I wouldn't have to go through all this pain.

At the same time I know I'm a good person and I have a lot of wonderful things to offer. I have a fiercely loyal personality and I'm passionate about everything I love. I know that life isn't fair, but I'm pretty tired of it kicking me around.

I guess what I want isn't really a happy ending, or a happily ever after...its more of a content ever after. I understand that nothing is easy and everything worth anything involves a struggle. If nothing else, I am a fighter, and fully willing to fight for what I want, even if that means being unhappy some of the time. I can sacrifice my happiness for that of others or for the sake of happiness to come, but I can't sacrifice being content. I need to be okay. I can't crawl in my own skin, like I am now.

So, for the two people who actually read this blog, if you're still out there...

How do I shake this?

Glass half full

It's so interesting to see how things cycle in my life. I come here to write for clarity, sanity. It's almost like taking an inventory on my life when so much is going on that I feel overwhelmed. Usually there are a lot of negative feelings, heartache, and frustration. This time I'm doing something different. My life, right now, is so wonderful. I know I am not thanking my lucky stars enough, but I'm going to right now. And I'm going to tell you how I got here.

My beautiful daughter is growing up way too fast. I am so blessed, beyond lucky, to be able to spend at much time with her as I do. She is smart, poetic, funny, expressive, creative, kind, loving, beautiful, silly, and sassy. And perfect.

My friends! Oh I'm so happy in all my friendships right now. I have become selective in letting people get close to me and it has paid off.

My possessions are in harmony with my needs. I don't have too much, and I have everything I need and many things I want, which is absolutely amazing to me. My daughter has everything she needs and then some and she and I are lucky to live in the comfort of a home that is climate controlled, to have running water, and to have full bellies.

School is so wonderful. I'm getting so much out if my courses and making good grades which in and of itself is a whole other level of personal satisfaction.

Next month I will have insurance. Praise God! I may end up living past 30 after all!


So now that I've bombarded you with all this happiness, let me just tell you that I went through a tremendous amount of self doubt and pain to get here. I finally got a clue about people that were hurting me and put a stop to it. I did that by looking to myself and changing my reactions to things. I realized I am in full control of my mood and my life and my SELF, therefore if I want to laugh off a situation that would previously have hurt me, I do it. I don't let things simmer to a boiling point. I apologize freely. I free MYSELF from the burdens of anger, sadness, and regret. I am living in each day...not yesterday or tomorrow. It's something we've all heard we should do, but it is easier said than done. I beg you to try it. Banish that negative thought. Smile at a stranger. Help someone.

In this stressful, unstable society, be your own rock. Know who you are and what you want people to remember you as. Enjoy being a human.

Blogger App

Well, maybe I'm a little behind but I didn't realize there was a blogger app. This is very, very good news for me because now I can blog from bed :-) more to come later !

Friendships, Love, Health, Insanity

As usual, its been quite a while since my last entry. Sorry I'm so sketchy, I guess I have a lot going on.

I'll just follow the order of this post's title, and start with friendships.

First and foremost, Patsy is still my best friend. Love that girl. I don't see her enough though.

It hurts my heart to mention Jansen, and the horrific tragedy that has occurred since my last writing. While on his way to Tyler from Bullard, going to get his daughter Sydney Jane (Soso) diapers, he was hit head on by a drunk driver going 70 mph. He was badly injured, requiring surgery to repair his snapped femur, along with many cuts and bruises. However, he would have gladly lost that leg if it meant he could save sweet Soso. At 2 years old, she was a ray of sunshine with her chubby cheeks, sweet smile, red hair and cheerful babbling. I had the fortune to be around her a handful of times, but more than I knew her, I knew that Jansen was a wonderful, loving, devoted father 100% of the time. I can't even imagine what I would do had that happened to me, I don't want to go into it. Despite any hard feelings that were between Jansen and I, I never stopped caring about him or his well being. Even before this happened, if something seemed to be wrong I would try to check on him. Maybe you don't understand that, but I guess you don't really have to since it's just the way I operate. So far Jansen and his family are proving to be some of the strongest people I have ever known, and your continued prayers are so helpful. If you wish to donate to help cover Soso's final expenses or Jansens medical bills, there is a fund set up at Austin Bank for Sydney Jane Farris.

I had a friendship that was so very close to my heart end shortly after this happened. I try to be a shoulder, a rock, for anyone that may need me. I never expect anything in return, because it makes me feel good to help others. However, this person offered to be there for me so I expected to be able to lean on them. I felt let down, several times, in a matter of 3 days. I am a confrontational person because I think that things left unsaid tend to brew and become more toxic. I did confront this person, and was met with a defensive attitude, hateful and downright cruel comments, and a complete lack of respect. After all I have done, sacrificed, and cared about this person, I couldn't believe they were speaking to me that way. I'm not saying I wasn't inflammatory, but I certainly did not try to break that person down. I'm over the friendship because there is no cure for immaturity other than time, but I'm sad it ended that way.

Now onto love...oh Lord.

My love life is...wait, what love life? I had promised myself on my birthday last year that I would remain single for a year, and try to be more introspective. So far so good, though I have had feelings for people I haven't "dated" anyone. Right now, theres a super sweet, extremely cute, intelligent and funny guy that likes me, and I like him very much. However, my health has pretty much led to me being emotionally unstable and insecure, so I haven't pursued this like I normally would. If he is patient enough to put up with me, I think it would be great. I completely understand if he's not because I am certainly hard to deal with and I do have a lot going on considering I have a 4 year old, Lupus, and Diabetes which are both actively destroying my life right now. I'm extremely focused on Preslee, she will always take precedence.

Another type of love: mother's love. Maybe you heard the hype about attachment parenting recently, most notably the time magazine cover depicting a mother breastfeeding her 3 year old son(who happens to look six or so). I was not able to breastfeed because of the medications I took for lupus, but I have always been one to pick up my crying child, give lots of affection, and sleep with her in the bed. So many people told me, put her in her own bed, let her cry it out, she can play by herself, on and on about how she needs to be independent. I agree that she will need to know how to be independent one day. However, I favor the attachment parenting. She was sleeping in her bed for quite a while, but always wanted and asked to sleep with me. She started having a terrible attitude, throwing fits, talking back, stomping around and being generally crabby. So I started letting her sleep with me. Unless shes in actual trouble, I comfort her when she cries. I pick her up when she's needy. I kiss her boo-boos a million times. I "coddle" her. And guess what? The tantrums are now few and far between. Her attitude went from "I don't want to pick up my toys" to "yes, mommy." She loves to help me with any and everything, she rubs my face now when I don't feel good. She's developing into the sweetest, most caring little human, and she's still independent. I think theres a balance with attachment parenting that I'm working on achieving, but so far the changes I've made have truly worked wonders for us.

Health...or lack thereof.

Many of you know I have lupus, and I haven't had the toughest time with it, but I've definitely had some issues. It has, after all, caused me to be disabled. I was doing better for a while, but recently it has come back with a vengeance. Not only that, but my diabetes is completely out of control. My hemoglobin A1C was 14.9. For a diabetic, your goal is to be under 7. This means my blood sugars run over 400 on average. I take over 100 units of insulin a day, and I eat much, MUCH healthier than I ever have in my life. I've been doing low carb, low calorie, and gluten free as much as possible. I would say my diet consists of 70% fruits and vegetables. I never drink sugary beverages. I do love bread and baked goods, but portion control is key. I had an appointment today and I cried the entire time. I'm so frustrated because I'm failing at this. And its SO important. If you have any tips for me, any resources, anything, feel free to contact me. I'm at the end of my rope. I feel terrible all the time. I can't sleep at night, and I feel tired no matter what kind of sleep I get. My weight is outrageous. I'm gaining and gaining and noone knows why. Maybe I need Dr. Phil. Isn't he the guy with all the answers?

With all of this stuff going on, I'm almost certain I wouldn't pass as a "sane" individual right now. I have constant worry and stress. Too much anxiety to go out and be with my friends. It's a tough time in life right now, and while I know I'm so blessed to have what I have, I can only explain my behavior by noting everything I mentioned above. To those of you who are willing to love me through this stressful period and my inevitable mood swings, thank you. I love you so much for your support. For those of you that aren't, such as the person I spoke of earlier, thats okay. I don't need any more toxicity in my life, my genetics have that covered for me!

This posts lesson is pretty specific...but hopefully you can take something away from it. Accept life for what it is. Even when its bad, its not over. If you're still alive, you must keep fighting whatever demons you have. Do YOU. Sure, some advice is great, but no advice should trump your gut instinct. You only get to do this once, so do it your way, because after all you're the only one you'll have to answer to as you're taking the last breath of life. Make sure it's a breath full of joyful memories, not miserable regrets.

Hes just not that into you

Many people have read the uber popular book, and now mediocre movie, "he's just not that into you." I myself have owned this book and it's "sequel" for years ("it's called a breakup because it's broken"). you'd think after having read these books I would know better than to make excuses for men, but as I look back on the relationships I've had "after Scott" I find that I was making the same elementary mistakes I made before becoming a mother and experiencing a long term relationship similar to marriage. I'm 25 years old, much too mature to play games, and definitely intelligent enough to recognize not only a gut feeling but a logical deduction. I don't have time to waste excusing away the bad behavior of men in my life. After all, I am fully aware of how quickly life passes and can be taken, and mine is probably more than a quarter over. It's time to break it down and get serious.

As long as I can remember, a favorite topic of myself and my girlfriends is BOYS. I guess now they're technically "men," though I think that's debatable. We analyze what they've said or done, what it "really means" and how that meaning affects our feelings. Truth is, guys aren't that deep. Most of the time, they just don't want to hurt our feelings. Therefore they will lie, sneak, speak half truths, and act "shady" in order to get around potentially making a woman cry. I'm sure you've heard of a woman's intuition; use yours. If it comes out of his mouth and you don't think it's true or it just SOUNDS off, you're probably right. Sure, there's always cases of paranoia, but use your innate detective skills to find out if your hunch is right. Even if this means asking a question more than once, I think it's worth it.


And guys: shame on you. If you have ever been ambiguous with a woman and it effected her feelings, you should be punished. Think about what you're doing when you're sending a false message or mixed signals. Think about her situation. If she's not just looking for a good time, don't treat her like YOUR good time. Using someone is despicable. Let her go, find yourself someone who is on your same level in the "playing field," because if you don't you're wasting her time and energy that she could be spending finding a real, loving relationship. And who in their right mind wants to keep someone from having such a satisfying life experience?


Everything I've said can go for girls too. I know I've been on every side of the mindset "I don't want this person, but I don't want anyone else to have them either." it's a bad place to get stuck. If you're doing the stringing along: stop! You're viciously wasting someone's life, moments they can never get back, and destroying their self esteem as well. They are likely passing up potentially wonderful romantic situations because they're hoping you will come around. If you're hanging on to the string: LET GO. YOU are the only person in charge of your life and you alone can change it for the better. Do you really deserve the tidbits you get from that person? A random phone call or text, some scarce Facebook activity, a drunk hookup? Psssh!! You're worth more than that!! I mean, I don't know you, but I know that I am worth a hell of a lot more than that. You've probably got a great heart full of warmth that would make someone incredibly happy, and in return you will be satisfied by being appreciated and loved with the same ferocity that you give. I can't stress enough that you are worth so much more than being dangled on a string as a backup plan.


Never let someone put you second. If they do it once, they probably always will, so move on to a situation where you are first and ONLY place.


As far as mixed signals go; consider them all one signal: that person is NOT that into you. They aren't confused. They aren't having a hard time. They're not going through something. Even if they actually ARE they will still make sure you know how they feel because they wouldn't want you to slip away. When a guy likes a girl, or vice versa, they will make sure she knows. They won't play games, forget to call, or always be too busy. Nobody wants to waste a good thing.


Lastly, I will address the friend zone. It's great to care about someone and try to be a good friend to them. The older you get, the easier it seems to be to detach yourself and really be a friend. An objective opinion is always a source of good advice. However, don't let yourself get taken advantage of. Don't let your friendship be one sided. If you're continually giving and giving, but your friend doesn't give back, they probably aren't really a friend to YOU. If you've been in situations they could have helped or acted in, and they didn't, thats your cue to surround yourself with real friends. Don't give parts of yourself that won't be given reciprocally. In the end, all that will result is confusion and hurt feelings. It's tempting to give someone the benefit of a doubt, but if they've flaked on you, said something that they know hurt your feelings, or even TALKED about you behind your back (wether they fessed up or you found out, words were still said) you need to reevaluate that relationship. Don't let yourself be vulnerable. You're stronger and better than that.


So my rule for this post is: always wear your armor. It's not good to be completely closed off, but it's not good to be completely open either. Know when to shield yourself, and know when to drop your guard.





I don't usually do this, but I want to dedicate this post to a very dear friend. Though we haven't been so close for long, the bond between us is incredibly strong. Some say they can't remember what they did before they had a person in their life: I remember. I was miserable. I didn't have anyone to talk about my feelings with. Noone was there to say "hey Kate, that's a TERRIBLE idea." because i remember NOT having this great friendship, i appreciate it all the more. I value and trust your opinions and advice more than you know, and I can't thank you enough for your beautiful, insightful, and most of all REAL personality. I love you Patsy Springer!

The First Freeze

Now, after reading my first post, I have determined three things that have changed about my life since then.

1. I am now an insomniac. My body has become to accustomed to the drugs I take for sleep, and now I often see 4 a.m. as the end of the night rather than the start of the day.

2. "He" is good and gone. On a path of self destruction. In the opposite direction of me. And I am glad for this.

3. I am not truly a hearbreaker. Not intentionally at least. I AM a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, as they say.




For weeks I have been speculating on facebook as to wether or not I should blog. Writing has always been my strongest means of communication, as when I speak and I'm emotional, I tend to get flustered and muss it all up. So here it is my friends, my first(second) blog post. What shall it be about? Love, of course! I'll keep it short and simple.



My heart is fickle. I find myself wondering if I have already passed up the love of my life in hope that something greater was out there. Now I think I know that, even if I have, they weren't ready for me, at the time. Or I wasn't ready for them.


I get a LOT of criticism for this heart of mine. I have decided to make no apoloigies. My heart wants what it wants, and it wants a love so enduring, intense, and all encompassing that I am consumed by it. This love will of course include my daughter, before the naysayers speak, hence the "all encompassing." She is, after all, an extension of me.


So you may catch me crying for no reason, complaining of loneliness, wishing on a star or 11:11, longing for something I haven't yet found. I won't settle. To those who think I'm being irrational, silly, even a bit cold hearted: I want what I want. At the age of 25 I'm not married, never have been, and may never be...but at least I'll know I didn't settle. At least I'll know ME.


Being alone puts a lot of things into perspective. I haven't quite gained all the perspective I'm sure I need just yet, but I'm getting there.

Rule #1: don't settle.

Friday, May 20, 2011: Graduation Day

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. Rather unusual for me because I have to take sleeping pills in order to fall asleep in the first place. I went to check on my daughter and she was awake as well. Being three years old, I found this too to be rather unusual. What would a normal parent do? Scold the child for being awake at such an ungodly hour? Pop her for laying in her bed quietly thinking about things a three year old shouldn't be worrying about?

I scooped her up and off we went to make chocolate milk. We shared this milk and we talked. About him.

I didn't much like what she had to say. A three year old heart is hard to trust. Sometimes its honest, and sometimes it says what it thinks will please you the most.

How could I know?

How do I know if I'm doing the pushing or if someone is pushing me?

What is an acceptable amount of pain to put up with?

Is unhappiness like a cold? You get over it? It comes and goes?

IF it goes, how long, exactly, does it take it to leave?