I feel summer creepin' in...

And I'm tired of this town again. Good ole' Tom Petty. I can't get that song out of my head this week.

Do you ever just feel...stuck?

Words can't express how much I love my little girl. If I didn't have her I just don't know where I would be. All of the disappointments in the world are no match for her smile and her sweet nature. I can't help but get down sometimes, despite that great blessing.

My heart is so heavy. It usually is when I come to this place, to write it out and let other people see. Something is cathartic about it, though I know it seems like something else to outsiders. I guess everyone processes things differently. I have my way, and I won't fault you for yours.

I think what confuses me the most about this life is how little I really know about relationships. I thought that if you do everything right, if everything is wonderful, then that keeps two people together and keeps them trying for each other. I guess I'm a lot less selfish than I thought, or than I knew other people could be. I've never been in a truly happy relationship that ended, and I don't quite know how to think about it.

May is Lupus awareness month. I really hate Lupus. It has broken my spirit, only for me to build it back up and have it broken again. It makes everything harder. People don't understand it, its an invisible illness, and people have trouble believing in something they cannot see.

I really like multiple paragraphs.

The one thing that I am thankful for that I have learned from having Lupus is that each day is truly a gift. Absolutely nothing is certain, promised, guaranteed. This year, I told myself I would do the things I want to do, no matter how small or silly, because I may not get another chance to do them. I made tamales, I rented a car, a got spray tanned, I wore bright pink lipstick, I met my favorite musician and talked to him face to face.  I have done so many amazing things this year that, though they may seem like nothing to you, mean so much to me. I've put aside self doubt and fear and thrown my heart into everything I've done.

Its my heart that always gets me in trouble. I love deeply. I give too much of myself. I put too much faith in people. I do know better, but somehow I get so excited about things and just throw myself in with everything I've got. I have yet to find someone who truly appreciates that about me. Every time I find out that someone doesn't appreciate that about me, it hurts. It really does. It makes me question everything. It makes me wonder if I'm even worthy of being happy, because surely if I were I wouldn't have to go through all this pain.

At the same time I know I'm a good person and I have a lot of wonderful things to offer. I have a fiercely loyal personality and I'm passionate about everything I love. I know that life isn't fair, but I'm pretty tired of it kicking me around.

I guess what I want isn't really a happy ending, or a happily ever after...its more of a content ever after. I understand that nothing is easy and everything worth anything involves a struggle. If nothing else, I am a fighter, and fully willing to fight for what I want, even if that means being unhappy some of the time. I can sacrifice my happiness for that of others or for the sake of happiness to come, but I can't sacrifice being content. I need to be okay. I can't crawl in my own skin, like I am now.

So, for the two people who actually read this blog, if you're still out there...

How do I shake this?

Glass half full

It's so interesting to see how things cycle in my life. I come here to write for clarity, sanity. It's almost like taking an inventory on my life when so much is going on that I feel overwhelmed. Usually there are a lot of negative feelings, heartache, and frustration. This time I'm doing something different. My life, right now, is so wonderful. I know I am not thanking my lucky stars enough, but I'm going to right now. And I'm going to tell you how I got here.

My beautiful daughter is growing up way too fast. I am so blessed, beyond lucky, to be able to spend at much time with her as I do. She is smart, poetic, funny, expressive, creative, kind, loving, beautiful, silly, and sassy. And perfect.

My friends! Oh I'm so happy in all my friendships right now. I have become selective in letting people get close to me and it has paid off.

My possessions are in harmony with my needs. I don't have too much, and I have everything I need and many things I want, which is absolutely amazing to me. My daughter has everything she needs and then some and she and I are lucky to live in the comfort of a home that is climate controlled, to have running water, and to have full bellies.

School is so wonderful. I'm getting so much out if my courses and making good grades which in and of itself is a whole other level of personal satisfaction.

Next month I will have insurance. Praise God! I may end up living past 30 after all!


So now that I've bombarded you with all this happiness, let me just tell you that I went through a tremendous amount of self doubt and pain to get here. I finally got a clue about people that were hurting me and put a stop to it. I did that by looking to myself and changing my reactions to things. I realized I am in full control of my mood and my life and my SELF, therefore if I want to laugh off a situation that would previously have hurt me, I do it. I don't let things simmer to a boiling point. I apologize freely. I free MYSELF from the burdens of anger, sadness, and regret. I am living in each day...not yesterday or tomorrow. It's something we've all heard we should do, but it is easier said than done. I beg you to try it. Banish that negative thought. Smile at a stranger. Help someone.

In this stressful, unstable society, be your own rock. Know who you are and what you want people to remember you as. Enjoy being a human.

Blogger App

Well, maybe I'm a little behind but I didn't realize there was a blogger app. This is very, very good news for me because now I can blog from bed :-) more to come later !