The First Freeze

Now, after reading my first post, I have determined three things that have changed about my life since then.

1. I am now an insomniac. My body has become to accustomed to the drugs I take for sleep, and now I often see 4 a.m. as the end of the night rather than the start of the day.

2. "He" is good and gone. On a path of self destruction. In the opposite direction of me. And I am glad for this.

3. I am not truly a hearbreaker. Not intentionally at least. I AM a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, as they say.




For weeks I have been speculating on facebook as to wether or not I should blog. Writing has always been my strongest means of communication, as when I speak and I'm emotional, I tend to get flustered and muss it all up. So here it is my friends, my first(second) blog post. What shall it be about? Love, of course! I'll keep it short and simple.



My heart is fickle. I find myself wondering if I have already passed up the love of my life in hope that something greater was out there. Now I think I know that, even if I have, they weren't ready for me, at the time. Or I wasn't ready for them.


I get a LOT of criticism for this heart of mine. I have decided to make no apoloigies. My heart wants what it wants, and it wants a love so enduring, intense, and all encompassing that I am consumed by it. This love will of course include my daughter, before the naysayers speak, hence the "all encompassing." She is, after all, an extension of me.


So you may catch me crying for no reason, complaining of loneliness, wishing on a star or 11:11, longing for something I haven't yet found. I won't settle. To those who think I'm being irrational, silly, even a bit cold hearted: I want what I want. At the age of 25 I'm not married, never have been, and may never be...but at least I'll know I didn't settle. At least I'll know ME.


Being alone puts a lot of things into perspective. I haven't quite gained all the perspective I'm sure I need just yet, but I'm getting there.

Rule #1: don't settle.

Friday, May 20, 2011: Graduation Day

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m. Rather unusual for me because I have to take sleeping pills in order to fall asleep in the first place. I went to check on my daughter and she was awake as well. Being three years old, I found this too to be rather unusual. What would a normal parent do? Scold the child for being awake at such an ungodly hour? Pop her for laying in her bed quietly thinking about things a three year old shouldn't be worrying about?

I scooped her up and off we went to make chocolate milk. We shared this milk and we talked. About him.

I didn't much like what she had to say. A three year old heart is hard to trust. Sometimes its honest, and sometimes it says what it thinks will please you the most.

How could I know?

How do I know if I'm doing the pushing or if someone is pushing me?

What is an acceptable amount of pain to put up with?

Is unhappiness like a cold? You get over it? It comes and goes?

IF it goes, how long, exactly, does it take it to leave?